Thursday, February 4, 2010

Three Steps Forward, Two Steps Back...

They told us this would be a roller coaster.
.

.
They told us it would be touch and go.
They told us it would be hard... and heart wrenching.
We knew there was a likely chance that he could back slide at some point.
.
But with all of you praying, from LITERALLY across the globe,
exponentially increasing our own faith and prayers,
we thought he would be the exception.
Our boy must be the most prayed for baby in the world today.
We are touched to the depths of our souls.
But we're just one of a hundred families with a child in the PICU.
One of dozens of tragic, heartbreaking stories.
We are no different than they are.
.
The morning was off to a good start.
I was cautiously optimistic.
I actually felt peaceful for the first time since the incident.
.
I knew it would be a good day.
.
They got an early start.
We peeled a couple quick layers off Our Little Onion...
.
His fluid level is finally in check and the overall edemitus swelling is down,
so they removed his catheter and bladder probe.
Hallelujah for the bag full of pee!
.
His core temperature seems to be stable,
so they took out the esophageal temperature probe.
.
SO for anyone keeping score, that's two minor tubes down, one major tube to go for the day.
.
He was extubated by a few minutes after 9.
We were so optimistic.
Wonderful Dr. Bennett, who is always cautious, seemed confident.
.
Bronson was alert. Completely off his paralytic and all sedatives.
The extraction was less traumatic than we expected.
We'd been warned it could be awful. Lots of gagging and wheezing.
Scary for parents to watch.
It went smoothly. Slid right out.
These guys here are pros.
How can they NOT be amazing with all of your prayers for them?
.
The first half hour was exciting.
We sat him up and helped to pat his back while he coughed.
Matt and I each held a soft arm restraint from opposite sides of the bed,
to keep his hands away from his face, more importantly his tubes.
.
They first tried a standard oxygen cannula, just the little nose hose with prongs up each nostril.
He was still huffing pretty hard.
We waited patiently, singing Primary songs to him and trying to calm him down.
.
His color began to drain...
Our hearts began to sink...
They knew he needed more supplementation.
.
They changed out the oxygen hose to a High Flow Nasal Cannula.
He was still wheezing.
Working so hard to pull in air.
Panic and worry in his eyes. Looking from Mommy to Daddy and back to the nurses.
Not understanding.
Getting more and more agitated as they suctioned the secretions out of his airways.
.
We tried helplessly to soothe him.
He arched his back and kicked his feet,
struggling to get away from the helpful, but let's be honest, bothersome abuse.
.
Another idea.
A supplemental breathing apparatus called a Bi-Pap.
They program in a certain lung pressure and the machine helps him to maintain it.
They use a face mask with a huge hose that makes him look like a jet plane pilot.
It allows him to breath on his own,
but then calculates the deficit in lung pressure with each breath
and tops off each one with an extra little puff through the mask.
A-Maz-ing. Modern medicine and machinery are miraculous.
But, sadly, little Bronson did not respond quite as we had hoped.
.
They gave him as much time as they dared and chance after chance,
but ultimately, they decided his vitals were too high and he was entering distress.
.
He had to be re-intubated a little after 11:30 this morning.
It was excruciating.
Soooooooo disappointing.
So scary to watch.
So amazing to witness.
I thank God for these physicians.
They have my utmost respect.
They work as a well-oiled machine, not a cog out of place.
I am amazed at the positive energy that each and every one here exudes.
They speak with such kindness, respect and appreciation to one another.
Even amid intense crisis.
They are the calm amid the storm.
I am going to try to emulate that for the rest of my life.
Another life-changing lesson learned.
.
So, I wish I could wrap up today with a nice tidy red bow...
But, frankly, today was discouraging, to say the least.
It felt like three steps forward and two steps back.
Still dancing with his destiny.
.
I went to lunch feeling heavy-hearted.
We were riding this incredible wave of momentum.
Swelling bigger and bigger as all of your prayers come rolling in.
We were beginning to crest the summit.
To feel the wave slowing and come crashing down, felt like such a set back.
.
And then my Matt...
My sweet, sweet Matt pulled a rabbit out of his hat
with his positive spin...
There is no set back.
We are still two tubes ahead of this morning.
And two tubes is two tubes.
Even with out the big one we were hoping for.
We are still moving forward. Onward and upward.
At Heavenly Father's pace. At Bronson's pace.
We just have to be patient enough to ride it out.
.
Yeah. That's my Matt.
My Rock.
I chose well.
I am the luckiest girl in the world.

87 comments:

Becky Wertz said...

That is WONDERFUL! congrats on two tubes down! Still sending prayers and hugs your way

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, we are praying for you in Australia.

Marianna said...

I am crying all over again! Happy and sad at the same time! Keep it up little Bronson! Hang in there Sara & Matt! So many miracles already! We love you all!!

Megan said...

Two down, way to go Bronson!! Still praying! All our love. the Macfarlanes

Lovell Home said...

Throughout our lives we all need that extra help now and then. Bronson just needs a little extra help for a little longer. We love you guys! You have touched so many people with your words..

onceapickle said...

Hang in there...

Way to go, Bronson, on getting rid of two tubes! :)

Mandy @ The Party of 3 said...

Praying for you and your family. Congrats to lil Bronson on the two tubes today! Thank God for awesome husbands!

Anonymous said...

I'm praying for you too Sara, that you find the wisdom in all of what has happened to you and your dear boy.

The Benches said...

Way to get two tubes down! Prayers for Bronson will continue in the Bench home. We love you all.

Mark said...

Go little Bronson your just like you mom amazing and just like your dad a tuff "little" stud we love you guys love the Berntsons still praying and still thankful for the updates..

Natalie. said...

There has not been a lull in my prayers. not for a single moment.

love to you,

N

Mom said...

Sara you just amaze me in your writing. I feel like I am right there as you are describing what is going on and what has happened. You and Matt are so great for each other. I loved the part you wrote about when you first saw Matt and you kept saying I am so sorry, it is my fault, etc. and he said, "What are you talking about, this could happen to anybody." It sure helps to be married to some one who is so grounded. YOu both deserve the highest award there is to be given. I can tell Bronson is making progress, it is very encouraging. Way to Go Staker Family--We are all pulling for you.
Aunt Linda

hellib said...

I first heard about your story this morning and read your whole blog and have refreshed your blog page several times today awaiting another update. My heartfelt wishes and prayers go out to you and your beautiful son and family. Your story is so inspiring and faith building to hear the human feelings you have even though you have faith of a mustard seed, that sometimes we can feel vulnerable and discouraged. May the continued prayers from many continents of the world continue to strengthen you and your faith. May the Lord continue buoy all of you up. <3 <3 <3

Anonymous said...

praying praying praying
know that I am praying

Jean and Brad Nelson said...

So happy to hear about the progress that Bronson is making. We have been checking for posts often and praying with gratitude for the blessings that have been so abundant. We have been so touched like you that so many are praying...it's so awesome! We love you! Jean and Brad

Anonymous said...

Praying like we have never before prayed.
All our love from Ohio

{jane} said...

i'm crying again. this time in the kitchen. setting records for crying all over the place, these days. i'm so happy that two tubes are gone, but i too was really wanting that big ventilator gone. patience. patience. patience. He is doing so good, he will keep doing good.

love you.

Sabrina said...

Praying for Bronson, and for your strength as you ride this terrifying roller coaster. Thank God for Matt, Thank God for sending him to you.

cindi zirilli clapp said...

baby steps for the baby angel...baby steps sweet sara...

Barry and Jeanni said...

You are right- you chose well! I am praying for you and your family!

Sephysmomma said...

Way to go Bronson on the two tubes gone! It just takes time with the vent. It will be that rollercoaster like you said and it makes it hard. I have been keeping yall in your prayers all day today!

bunchafullers said...

I found your blog through facebook, and want you to know that your family and sweet Bronson is in our prayers. I have been there in the NICU and PICU after having 5 preemie babies. Each day is touch and go and yet each day your child amazes you with the strength they possess. I also have been on the receiving end of prayers by hundreds and I truly felt them as I am sure you do. There are miracles that occurr everyday and I pray that each day you experience one. Your story is hard and unbearable to hear, but your story is a lesson to thousands of those who will read it. Often times our trials can be the reason another life is saved. I am sorry that you have to go through this. You are an example to me and I am thankful to hear your story. You will be in my prayers. Love,
Stacie Fuller

Anonymous said...

i'm so sorry. you have touched my heart in so many ways. i know what you are going through.
you will be in my prayers.
xoxo
from, washinton

Kiley and Amy said...

Praying for your little Bronson and your sweet family.

Anonymous said...

Keep heads lifted high, two tubes gone:), encouragement worldwide, and Gods love. Its a miracle in the waiting..

LauraRad said...

Your family and your baby boy have been in my thoughts and more importantly in my prayers all day today. I've reached out into my own corner of the world/internet to call prayer warriors to pray for your family. I hope you can feel the warmth, strength, and hope coming from us here in Minnesota. Your husband is absolutely right - while it might not have been the improvement you wanted to see, it's an improvement nonetheless. God is good, ALL the time, and He's with you, even now. ESPECIALLY now. God bless you all, and tomorrow is another day. Another day of improvements!

Ruthanne said...

You continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. I feel like that my entire day is filled with a prayer in my mind and heart. Although my life is filled with four little ones myself my mind and heart continues to wander your way praying and hoping each moment of each day that something positive is happening for you guys and your little Bronson. You are truely becoming an example to me Sara. My testimony and my Faith is growing because of you. I was in much need of that. Thanks for continuing to share your life with us right now. I know it must be hard. Love, Ruthanne

Tasha said...

I found your blog through Natalie as well. I have been praying and will continue to pray for you.

Anonymous said...

Just wanted to let you know that my prayers are with you.

Joseph Cotton said...

Hang in there little guy. We continue to pray for your continued progress. Grandpa Joe and Grandma Mary Melon.

Carrie said...

Sending you all the peace and blessings in the world and holding your family very close in my heart while your boy heals- and he will HEAL!

The Queen Vee said...

I'm praying tonight that Bronson will sleep soundly and that his cells will heal. I pray that you and Matt will feel peace and comfort and that you too will get the sleep and strenght that you need. I'm praying that the doctors and nurses will continue to have the skill to help your little one recover.

Britney said...

Hooray for pee and stable temps. Two tubes in one day...pretty impressive. Bronson is still working so very hard. Bless him and the rest of you too.
Love you all.

Krista said...

Ventilators are the epitome of a love/hate relationship. So glad it can give Bronson what he needs right now. But, I too was anxious to have it gone TODAY!...tomorrow's a new day and he's a tough little guy. Keep up the optimism. Love you guys.

Brandi said...

Still praying for you and your whole family! I have no words of comfort just lots of hope and prayers in my heart for your whole family.

ladylaxer said...

You are amazing parents and meant to be there for Bronson. Many prayers and good thoughts being sent your way.

Ashleigh said...

I found your story through your Carlston cousins and have shed many tears since. Please know that me and my two year old have been praying every day for baby Bronson. I believe in miracles and know that Heavenly Father is watching over your little one.

Candace said...

Holding you close, sending you all the love and prayers I can muster.

PMC said...

good husband, good hospital, good people....very good mama. prayed for you tonight and couldn't go to bed until i checked here.

hold on sweet baby boy.

Daphne said...

I can't tell you how many times I've shed tears for you...for Matt...for your kids and little Bronson. We are praying for you everyday--and you are always in our thoughts. Celebrate today--2 tubes down! Faith and prayers work! I've seen it.

Daphne said...

I can't tell you how many times I've shed tears for you...for Matt...for your kids and little Bronson. We are praying for you everyday--and you are always in our thoughts. Celebrate today--2 tubes down! Faith and prayers work! I've seen it.

Anonymous said...

I found your story on FB as well and have you and your sweet family on my mind all day. keep your faith.
we are praying for you.

Brittany said...

You don't know me. I am a friend of a neighbor of yours. I cried heartfelt tears for you tonight and prayed numerous times for your sweet little Bronson and for your family. I hugged my babies tighter and thanked Heavenly Father for families, for his love and for priesthood blessings. I will check your blog daily. I will pray for your family daily and I will fast regularly on sweet Bronson's behalf. Thank you for sharing your story. From my home to heaven to yours - our prayers are with you.

Mcbride Family said...

You guys are being so strong and I admire you so much for that. 2 tubes is great. We will keep these prayers coming. I think about you constantly. I have told so many people about Bronson and everyone is praying for him. The lord hears us, and what is amazing is that you know that too.

Anonymous said...

Across the globe or around the corner, location doesn't matter. We are all praying for you and your loved ones, Sara.
Love, West Jordan Friends

Susan said...

I had a baby in the NICU and can attest that the roller coasters are hard. But those little angels are strong (as you've seen!) and you find out just how strong you are, too. Thanks for your posts. I've been following since Monday and have prayed for you and Bronson every day since. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Sara, I wanted you to know that a prayer is being sent to your baby Bronson all the way from Upstate NY.

Much love,
A

Kaelee said...

Found my way from Natalie's blog...just wanted to let you know your family is on my mind and in my prayers...constantly.

Jenn Granum said...

Still amazed at all that the professionals can do these days. So amazing! And progress is progress. Way to go Bronson!

dianne - bunny trails said...

Another friend here from Natalie's blog. Interceding before our Heavenly Father for Bronson and your entire family.

seth said...

Your sweet family is in our prayers!
I Know the Lord has His guiding hand lifting your family.
1 Nephi 1:20
"...the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance."

PuddleduckBunch said...

Praying for you and your sweet family. I agree - 2 tubes is 2 tubes. Sounds like you chose very well! :) Praying for it to change to 3 soon! :) Will be passing along this prayer request...We serve an awesome God! Praying for a restful and healing night.

Anonymous said...

Sara, I was led to your story in an email from your dad's website. I have three young girls whom I leave in the tub all the time. But not anymore, from now on I'm grabbing that book I can't seem to find time to read and sitting in the bathroom while they play. You have woken me up, in more ways than you'll ever know. Praying for your family in Idaho.

The Mom said...

My prayers are with you all also: to bless Bronson that his body can rest and heal; to bless Mom and Dad with the patience to wait and the ability to feel the comfort and strength of so many prayers in their behalf; to bless the medical team with knowledge and courage and skill.
Amen

Built Ford Tough said...

praying... miracles can happen.

Brady and Rachel said...

Thank you for sharing your heart and soul with so many. Bronson has one AMAZING mother! Thank you for your honesty through it all. You are blessing so many lives at the same time as doing all you can to bless your sweet baby boy. We are all praying, continually praying alongside you and your family. May God lift you up and keep you going. Glad to hear some progress. Any step forward is WONDERFUL! Its amazing to me how you can take time to learn life-changing lessons while you're facing all that your facing. It is a gentle reminder to me that I ought to be learning and growing every day too. Thank you. Rocked my own baby girl to sleep and hugged her a little tighter as I did so. Trying to treasure each moment I have with my children. Thank you for reminding me to do so. Lots of love coming your way.

Christensen's said...

Heard about your blog from Natalie. Want you to know that you are in my prayers. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Thank God your little boy is doing so well. And thank you, Sara, for sharing your story. I've learned so much from you in just a few minutes and we've never met. A friend shared your story with me. God bless Bronson, you, Matt and your other little boys to have the strength you all need to get through each minute of this trial. You are all in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

Came over from Natalie's blog. Prayers for your family and medical team who are helping your little boy.


-Washington

mckenzie said...

Commented on your blog this morning and haven't stopped thinking about you and your sweet family ever since. We are praying praying praying for you and wishing we could give more than a comment on a blog! You are an incredible mother for being as strong and brave as you are being right now. Every one of your words screams the love that you have for your little boy and you will be blessed for that. Thank you for your example.

Jill said...

Bronson, bless your hardworking little body and huge spirit. We are so proud of your milestones today, what a trooper. Praying for your continued progress and so full of gratitude and awe for that mother of yours...

Rest well tonight buddy, it was a big day.

Anonymous said...

I also found your blog from Natalie Norton, please know that I, also am praying for little Bronson, and your family, this could have happened to any family... 2 tubes out is a wonderful accomplishment for 1 day.

sounds like he is making progress.
Blessings to you and your family

si tu veux said...

still praying. ...and because I thought of you I didn't leave when my nieces were in the tub tonight. I thought about it...about going to get my phone, check my messages...i would only be a second,...but I stayed. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Terribly sorry. you have my prayers.

Dopp Family said...

Keep it up Bronson!! We are praying for you guys!

Amanda said...

Still praying and thinking of you often.

Jenny said...

Two tubes IS two tubes. It is progress. Sending lots of love and praying for you every day.

The Yates

Anonymous said...

I found you through a fb post. My prayers are with you all. Your story could be my own. I have left my little ones in the tub many times "just for a second". You are in my prayers.

Michele said...

Matt and Sara,

Our thoughts and prayers have been with you from Day 1. There isn't an hour we don't think of you in the hospital room by Bronson's side. May your family feel the peace and strength you need today.

All our love,
Chad, Michele and kiddies
(a.k.a. Matt's favorite cuz') :)

Mindy Elliott said...

I have been following your story since it was posted on Facebook. Megan and I have been chatting about how things are going. She has been great to keep us posted. Your an amazing writer and every time I read something new I cry. I have several ladies at my work that check in to see how your little guys is doing.
I can only imagine the sadness and fear that you have felt. I am glad to hear that he is progressing in a good way, 2 steps forward is heading in the right direction. I too think you are very lucky to have Matt, it is hard to know how husbands will react in situations like this. He is right, it can happen to anyone, and I am just glad things are looking up.

Hang in there, know we are praying for you too.

Love, Mindy Martin Elliott

Wendy said...

I called Johnny and Jeff to see if they've talked to you guys because I wanted to let you know that we live about 5 mins away from primary children's. If either and/or both of you want a real bed to sleep in or nap in we have a king size (I'd even change the sheets). Or if you need anyone to run errands I can. Let me know. We're praying.
Love,
Wendy

Flicka said...

I have never read your blog before tonight...a friend posted a link on her Facebook. But I felt that I had to let you know how much it has touched me (and everyone who reads it, I'd imagine.)

I cannot begin to fathom what you are going through right now. My sister died three and a half tears ago, and I remember sitting vigil at the hospital, and how hard it was.

For what it's worth, all the signs sound *incredibly* promising (Kim died of a brain injury, so I'm familiar with the neurological tests).

I know that nothing that anyone (much less a total stranger) could say could possibly bring you any comfort right now. But please know that Bronson and your entire family will be in my prayers.

Love love love and blessings to you all. Be brave--I have so much hope for you!

Rosanne Orgill said...

Sara, I am Johnny Orgill's mom, I don't know if you remember me. I couldn't believe it when I read your blog. I saw that something was wrong on FB but I didn't know what happened. Then you posted your blog on FB and I read your story. I cried the whole time reading it. You are such a writer. I know you feel responsible for what happened to little Bronson but you are not. We can't watch our children all the time. We all leave them in the tub to play, that is why you have so many people behind you, we are all guilty if you are. My heart and prayers go out to you. Bronson is in Gods hands and what ever happens it is to be. Trust God he knows what he is doing. Julianne's little boy(my grandson) went through something similar to this when he was 6 weeks old. My heart sank and my mind was flooded with all the memories and emotions that I felt when I saw the pics of Bronson all hooked up to the machines. It was a roller coaster too. You are so loved and so many prayers are out there for your little fellers. I am praying for him and you and Matt and your boys. Hang in there and know you are loved.

Rosanne Orgill said...

Sara, I am Johnny Orgill's mom, I don't know if you remember me. I couldn't believe it when I read your blog. I saw that something was wrong on FB but I didn't know what happened. Then you posted your blog on FB and I read your story. I cried the whole time reading it. You are such a writer. I know you feel responsible for what happened to little Bronson but you are not. We can't watch our children all the time. We all leave them in the tub to play, that is why you have so many people behind you, we are all guilty if you are. My heart and prayers go out to you. Bronson is in Gods hands and what ever happens it is to be. Trust God he knows what he is doing. Julianne's little boy(my grandson) went through something similar to this when he was 6 weeks old. My heart sank and my mind was flooded with all the memories and emotions that I felt when I saw the pics of Bronson all hooked up to the machines. It was a roller coaster too. You are so loved and so many prayers are out there for your little fellers. I am praying for him and you and Matt and your boys. Hang in there and know you are loved.

Anonymous said...

I found your blog on Facebook, like others, through a request from a friend for prayers, who posted it after a request from a friend for prayers, and so on. I think you have the largest prayer circle in the world now.

Keeping you and your courageous family in my thoughts and prayers.

-Just another prayer in WA

MiNdY said...

I cant explain to the two of you the tremendous amount of Joy I have for your little family.
Bronson is such a fighter, I am so excited and so grateful his progress has been what it has. SOO GRATEFUL!!
However, words cannot express what I have witnessed between the two of you alone. I have known of your love for each other since you both Met. However the pureness, the example of the love you two have for each other and the strength you show blows me away. It is what every couple should have and way to go on being the most perfect examples of this. You ARE the luckiest girl in the world. Just as much as Matt is the luckiest guy in the world. BRONSON is one of the 4 luckiest boys in the world to have such AMAZING parents!

I love you both so much! Thank you both for the examples you are.

Tiffany said...

I heard about your story from a friend a couple days ago. I have an 8 year old daughter with cerebral palsy due to lack of oxygen during the birthing process. I went through what you are experiencing and I can testify that there is NOTHING more heart wrenching than to watch your child laying there fighting for their life. We were advised by the doctors to give up after the 3rd failed extubation. We just couldn't. We gave it many more tries and are so grateful we did. She is an amazing sweet special spirit that has taught us more than we will ever teach her. You will know as a parent what to do. You both sound like amazing parents who love their son so much. Your sweet family has been in our prayers. We hope for the best for your sweet son. It feels like yesterday we experienced just this. There is nothing worse. The lord will comfort you. Your story has touched me and will touch others around the world. Love to your family. xoxo

Amy said...

More prayers coming from Alaska. Hang in there... you're doing amazing!

I had several babies in the NICU {one for several months} and know too well the roller coaster and the three steps forward, two steps back.

But after transfusions and ventilators and machine after machine, my son who was 2 pounds at birth now stands 6 foot 1 inch tall at 14 years old!

God is good. All will be well.

Anonymous said...

I was just asked to pray for your family and directed to your blog. I am praying for your brave Son and your beautiful family. Be blessed. With love from Switzerland.

kimsueellen said...

Two less tubes...wahoo. Your Matt sounds a lot like my Hubbs. An angel.

Praying for you tonight. On my knees. Love to your family.

Anonymous said...

I am praying so hard for your little family. Two less tubes!!!

Big love to your family from ours.

Anonymous said...

Matt is right. Three steps forward and two steps back is still progress!! Keep your head up. My little girl is only a couple of weeks younger than Bronson and I can't imagine what you are going through. You have tons of people out there praying. Take comfort in that because God hears each and every one. Everything in His time.

Anonymous said...

I found your story through Twitter, it seems that everyone is thinking about your family and praying for you. This is all I could think about yesterday, please know that there are people in Washington praying for Bronson's recovery!

Kelly said...

Slow and steady, in God's perfect timing. So happy for the two tubes gone!! YAY! He's doing terrific, and so are you. I'm so glad that God is obviously directing the hands and minds of these doctors right now. You are in good Hands! I will continue to pray fervently for you and your family. I can't wait to check my computer for new updates. God is Good!

XOXOXO
Kelly

Jill said...

Sara - We are still praying every single day... my kids are even remembering Bronson in their personal prayers... I am in awe of you and Matt and your strength! So glad to hear that he is making improvements every single day! We love you and can't wait to hear more good news! Jill Pilling

Jill said...

Sara - We are still praying every single day... my kids are even remembering Bronson in their personal prayers... I am in awe of you and Matt and your strength! So glad to hear that he is making improvements every single day! We love you and can't wait to hear more good news! Jill Pilling

Wendy Shaw said...

You don't know me, but I am a high school friend of Jody Oldroyd. I came across your blog on her Facebook. Your family is amazing!!! You are in my prayers every second of the day. I have a strong feeling that everything is going to work out perfectly. Hugs and Kisses to little Bronson!! Hang in there and know that hundreds are praying for you and your cute little family!!!

The Pixton Family said...

We are praying for you in California. So sorry you are going through this.