Friday, February 5, 2010

Alone tonight...

Our sweet 3 came to visit their littlest buddy
and {insert happy sigh...} it was nice to squeeze them.
Matt went home tonight.
Needed to be a Daddy.
Bless him.
.
He is so confident that all will be well.
He is so sure.
So faithful.
I am in awe of his strength.
.
I, on the other hand, am a trainwreck.
.

.
All over the place.
The nights are harder than the days.
That is when I find myself falling apart.
People keep saying I am doing so well. I am so strong. I am amazing.
Hog wash to all of you.
.
As evidence, let me share this little diddy for your reading enjoyment...
So the other night
(We'll call it Night 3 because the days and nights all blend together here
and well, to be honest, I'm not even sure exactly what day it is right now.)
I was up late. I was tired.
Scratch that... I was exhausted.
And emotionally drained.
(In hind sight, I realize that NOW.
But at the TIME, I had fooled myself into thinking I was handling things quite well.)
However, I was driven... focused.
It was the night I decided to start posting to our blog.
To spread the word.
To preserve a record.
To process through everything that was happening.
To keep my mind off things.
And well, let's be honest, if you know me, you know I always need a project.
So I cozied up in a corner recliner in B's Room with my Laptop.
And as I hacked my guts out onto the screen, I sobbed.
The poor Night Nurse (always in the Room in the PICU) kept asking if I was okay.
I was fine.
Couldn't he see I was fine?
Duh.
So I ran into some hiccups.
There was an issue when I added the the photos to my post and it messed up the formatting.
Then the autosave failed.
I could not get the text to copy and paste to a new post.
I had to drag and drop it one section at a time.
I was near-finished in the wee hours but nodded off at my Laptop.
Cody, the Night Nurse came to tell me it was 7 am.
Time for parents and visitors to leave the room for an hour during shift change and assessments.
I hate that hour. It is misery to leave his bedside.
I went and got a yogurt from where I'd stashed them in the Nutrition Center fridge.
Then choked down a banana.
I went potty and brushed my teeth.
I washed my face in the sink.
It was only 7:15.
I still had 45 minutes until I could return to Bronson's room.
I snuck in and snagged a blanket.
It is always cold here. I've been an ice cube since we arrived.
I wrapped myself up in a little cocoon and sunk down on the floor
to wait until I could be readmitted to the room.
But I was just so tired! So so so tired!
The next theing I knew, Ian, the Daytime Nurse was crouching above me.
Sleeping on the cold tile floor in the hallway outside Bronson's room.
Telling me I had to wake up.
Telling me to go to bed.
Telling me to look at him and asking could I hear him
as I lay silently, unresponsively staring at the floor.
I looked up into his eyes and the floodgate broke.
"Don't make me leave him! Please don't make me leave him!
That's why we're in this mess in the first place! I just can't ever leave him!"
I sobbed.
Bless his heart.
He literally scooped me up beneath the armpits,
from the puddle of a person I was on the floor,
wrapped me a little tighter in my blanket,
walked with,
well okay, practically carried me
down the hall to the parent sleeping cells,
found Matt
and tucked me into bed.
Yeah... like I said.
Trainwreck.
.
Thinking back now I shake my head at how pathetic it all must have seemed.
But now, with Matt gone, I feel so alone.
And as I watch that tiny boy sleeping,
I feel that familar tightness firing up in my throat
and have to swallow down the tears.
.
And then I remember that I am not alone at all.
There are hundreds of you awake with me, praying.
An army petitioning our loving Father.
Enough to get my little train back on the track and chugging up the hill...
For now.
Many thanks~
A hug to each of you.

93 comments:

Katie Jo said...

Found your blog today... and I am a night owl. Thought I'd check it one last time before I go to bed. I have a little girl exactly a month older than your little Bronson. I have absolutely no idea what you are going through, but I can imagine. You are definitely not alone. Even in the wee hours of the morning, people like me are still thinking of you and your cute little family, and hoping and praying that everything is okay. Just thought you'd like to know.

kerraandrichard said...

Sara,
Tonight you are not alone. I could never even imagine having to go through this horrible experience.
Please don't blame yourself. We all leave our children in the bathtub while we are in the next room and it was an honest mistake.
I found your blog through a friend Emily Leger who posted it on her facebook. I've been reading through your blog tonight fighting back those feeling you describe as tightness firing up in your throat.
Suddenly everything in my life doesn't seem as bad as I thought they were right now. I will hold my toddler closer tomorrow than I ever have before. You can get through this. It is clear that Heavenly Father has things for Bronson to still do here on this earth. I normally don't commen on people's blogs I don't know but I really felt like you needed it tonight to let you know that after I work my grave shift I will say my prayers for you and your family and the nurses at PCMC. Those nurses and doctors hands are truly guided by our Heavenly Father.
You are not alone.

Anonymous said...

YES... I am up as well tonight, like I have been the last few nights, with you. Then, as I read the updates, I sigh with relief and quietly weep. This could have happened to ANY one of us. period. Please, take care of yourself friend. You have inspired me to hold my children a little tighter. You are a "stranger" to me, and yet I feel very close to you. You are in my prayers. Much love.

Nicolle said...

Sara, there are many of us here for you. I know we must live near each other, but we have never met but I asked my Facebook network to pray for little Bronson tonight.

This may seem silly, but in my most difficult times I like to sing "You're Not Alone" as my little reminder. Not only is our Heavenly Father holding you and your family in the palm of his hands right now, but you have bits of the world holding you up while you are unable to muster the strength. Don't feel like you have to be strong, we are here to be strong for you! God bless your family during this difficult time.

Lindsey said...

I too am awake right now. Thinking about your little fighter while I'm holding my little man. Sarah, one of my prayers for you right now is that very soon, you'll be holding Bronson in your arms as he sleeps peacefully. You are an outstanding woman to share this pain and guilt you are feeling. God knows you need your son more than He does right now. This accident may be a blessing. We take for granted so much and how quickly we can lose it all. God may be using this as a nudge to you, your family, your readers, and those praying for you around the world to focus on the things that matter most now.
My prayers are with you and Bronson tonight. Do not falter in your faith. God will restore your heart and your beautiful son's health.

Gretchen Knell said...

Sara
I can't even begin to express how wonderful you are and have been. You ARE strong...even while feeling so weak. Keep your chin up friend you're going to make it through this.

connie said...

Yes, many are with you. You don't even know me but I weep and pray with for you. You are in such a difficult spot I think being a " trainwreck" is honestly the least of your worries. Hang in there little sister.

silke@the-jakobs.de said...

Hey Sara, I am always up when most people in your time-zone are asleep...so don't ever feel alone! I don't even know you or your family but your blog is up constantly and I am checking everytime I walk by to see if there is anything new. Your family is in our prayers and I must say that after reading what happened to you, I am trying to be a much better mom. More patient, trying to spend more time with the kids rather than putting laundry away...I can totally understand why you got carried away from the bath tub. That could have happened to me any time too. My daughter is 7 and my twin boys are 5. They saw Bronson's picture when I was looking at your blog yesterday and they asked what had happened to him. So now they keep asking how he is doing.
I wish you enough strength and courage and faith and confidence to get through each and every day and night coming!
Greetings from far away Germany!!!
Silke

Anonymous said...

We are here. Praying from Boston.

lots of love.

Jennifer Quinn said...

Sara,
As the others have said, we are all here with you -- one of the beautiful things of technology is we don't have to be alone, even in the middle of the night. It is true, this could have happened to any one of us -- we are all human. May God bless you with peace and patience, and with a little boy who is bouncing around again in no time.
<3 Jennifer

snaphappee said...

I am praying for your peace, strength, and comfort, and for Bronson's healing. You are not alone.

jess said...

I just found your blog....
Prayers for your family, your strength, your beautiful boy.
I sobbed as I read your words from the past few days. Sobbed. Because it so very easily could have been any of us. How many countles times have I taken just a few extra min to get something else done? There is always so much more to do...
I will pray without end until your boy is back in your arms, happy, whole.
I am so deeply sorry you are going through this. And my heart aches for you.

PMC said...

never feel alone. praying for you first thing this morning and last thing last night. and all day today.

Alicia Nelson said...

you are not alone! My prayers are still with you

Kierstin said...

I am so sorry that you feel so alone...so sorry for all that you are going through. It is interesting not knowing you, but knowing many that do know you...so I somehow feel like I know you. You are a beautiful writer. You are an amazing and wonderful person and an amazing and wonderful mommy!! You are all constantly in my thoughts and prayers. Bronson is amazing and so precious and strong...he loves you SO much!! We are all here for you! ((((HUGS))))

Shell said...

Found you through Pink Moss and read your story.

My heart is breaking for you. I don't know how many times I've left my kids alone in the bathtub, knowing I shouldn't, but thinking it's okay b/c I'm just in the next room. It could so easily be my child in the hospital, me on the floor a mess.

Sending prayers.

Ben and Natalie's Family Zoo said...

You're the first person I thought of when I woke up early this morning. You and Little B. There will be emotional train wrecks, but remember Who has suffered it all and knows what you are going through. He is right by your side (and He doesn't have to leave Bronson's side for the nurse change hour!) He is there, Sara. I know you KNOW that...but REMEMBER that! Love you.

The Farmers Wife said...

I found your blog last night... I was sobbing for you and your family. God knows you didn't do it on purpose, and someday you will forgive yourself. If it matters your story has definetly changed bath time for me. My daughter (3 years old) woke up this morning wet and needed a bath, I like you often leave the room and get side tracked --- I didn't this time and won't ever again...I am so sorry your family is going through such pain...but your story will save many parents in the future. I can't tell you how often I think of you and your family through out the day...I pray for you everytime. I am glad you have a wonderful support system around you! I just wanted you to know you have one person praying for you and your family.

God bless you all.

Michelle

elementsofnurture said...

I read your blog yesterday after receiving a prayer request from your Dad. My heart aches for you. I am a family counsellor and emotional energy therapist. I encourage you to try energy tapping (EFT) to clear some guilt (I promise it will help). Your energy should not be wasted on guilt. In those alone times tapping can really be a godsend, you can tap on Bronson also (or surrogate tap for him). Remember your a Mom (a good one from what I've read) & we could all be in your shoes right now! Sending tons of prayers and healing love your way.

Betsy said...

Prayers abound and abound. As does the love of all mothers. A mother's love deep and true. We are pulling for you and him. All of you.

Shmonae said...

As you can see, I should be getting my kids ready for school and my heart is with you and your sweet family. We are all there with you...as close as we can get. I am so excited to take your sweet boys a dessert tomorrow :) They deserve a little treat. I also noticed that many across the world are praying for you that haven't met you, so decided to add some of your beautiful words to my blog in hopes we can get even more prayers in your behalf.

We all love you. Remember..."I think I can!!"

Brekke - Felt Photography said...

Psalms 31:24 "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord."

Sara, you are not alone. What an amazing miracle in this day and age that you can reach so many numbers. So many hearts and minds that are praying for Bronson, for you, and for your family. Angels both seen, and unseen, are watching over him and you.

My heart aches for you. Your baby and your family are continually in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

I cried with you and for you this morning as I read your post. I have not stopped praying for you I have checked your blog numerous times waiting for updates. I cannot imagine how alone you feel with Matt at home tending to the other kids. my 3rd was a preemie and we spent time in the nicu, I stayed with him nonstop while my hubby had to be at home with our 2 toddlers and I felt the same way. remember god is with you and so many others in one way or another. god bless.

Cordie said...

I can't stop crying! You, your Beautiful Bronson, and your sweet family are now in my prayers! Thank goodness for the wonderful gospel!!!

Damaris said...

This is tragic. My 17 year old sister thinks that her life is tragic because her boyfriend wants t break up with her. I read her this story. i hope she realizes that there are SO many more importaat things so many harder trials.

my your answers be heard and my your son walk out of that hospital in full health

Mauri said...

Sara, who wouldn't be a train wreck?! For goodness sake, you have every right to fall apart. Hang in there! There will be good days ahead and bad, but concentrate on the good things. While I was reading your last post I was thinking, but at least they got ride of two tubes! That is called progress in my book! We are still praying for the little guy and we hope you can feel how much we love you. I'll try and get up there as soon as I can and you can unload and cry on my shoulder for a while. :) Love you so much!

Candace said...

You and Bronson were the first thoughts I had as I woke up and the first thing I did as I sat up was to pray to God that he had healed your sweet baby and that he would please return him to your arms. Any loving mother would be a train wreck right now. I praise you for your strength and I greatly look forward to your updates. You and Bronson are in my constant thoughts and prayers. Blessings to you.

Scott & Tami said...

Bronson is still in our prayers....as well as your whole family.

Jesicca said...

Bless you, I know what it feels like to feel lost and alone. But, I assure you... you are NOT alone. We are here, praying and thinking of you constantly. Just breath and take it a moment at a time. XOXO

Veylupeks said...

Sabra's sister here again....trying to type this through my own sobbs. I love you and your baby. Please try not to beat yourself up. Like ohers have said we have all stepped out of the bathroom with our little ones in the bath. I too have lived at Primary Childrens. My daughter was born with a heart defect and has had two openheart surgeries at 7 days and a 1 1/2. She also had a few over night stays for heart caths. I just know how the PICU feels. I also know how there are always those worse off and those on their way to recovery. We are all praying for Bronson to have a full recovery. I know that there are miricles and have seen them in my own life and of the lives of my friends and family. We just moved to Texas (missing pump class on Sat. with Kristen)....totally off subject. My daughters told a new neighbor about your story and we are all building an army to petion the Lord for a miricle on your behalf.

Anonymous said...

I've been following Bronson's story since yesterday. I wanted you to know here we are praying for his recovery. May God bless you and your family.

From Minnesota

Rebecca J. Sutton said...

Sara - I found your blog through another friend's Twitter feed. Please know that my family's prayers are with you as you go through this difficult time. Special prayers for Bronson and for the doctors and nurses caring for him. We're pulling for you all!

Summer Miller said...

I stumbled upon your blog and wanted to tell you that you have the prayers of many many strangers who wish you peace and a speedy recovery. Thank you for sharing your heart wrenching story. I'm sure it's helpful for you to share but it also serves as a painful reminder to hug your children just a little closer.

Anonymous said...

You and your family are in my prayers constantly.

I wake in the night thinking of Bronson... and you... and say a prayer before I go back to sleep.

First thing in the morning, we pull up your blog. Hoping for an update. Praying it's good news.

You are definitely NOT alone!

From Texas

dunlop family said...

oh sweet girl...i wake up every morning thinking of you and your baby and family...and i go to bed praying for for sweet days to come for you...i cry for you. i feel for you. you are right...there are so many of us who love you and want things o work out. keep going...you can do this. you have to. your family needs you....and yes, you ar blessed to have your husband, because you need some strenghth too.

{jane} said...

trainwreck. shrainwreck. you are doing great sara. the morning we came in after flying all night, i'm sure you'd been awake most of the night & yet you were so beautiful. in comparison, i felt so disgusting. so tired. you were so calm, you knew exactly what was going on with everything. everyone that has been to visit has passed along the news of how amazing you are. give yourself credit to fall apart now & then, and constantly remember the army behind you.

hundreds are praying. actually, thousands are praying.

love you.

Brady and Rachel said...

We are here. Praying. Thank you for your honesty. You are brave! That doesn't mean you won't be a trainwreck on occasion, but you are brave enough to then pick yourself back up and keep on going. I pray for health for you despite the lack of sleep you are likely receiving. I pray that you do get some sleep here and there at least to keep you going. And I am praying you get to hold your healthy sweet Bronson again sooner than later. Praying for his recovery. Love continually coming your way!

Anonymous said...

Another complete stranger, yet I feel so connected to you. I think you've touched more moms around the world than you will ever know. I strongly believe that lives will be saved because of your tragedy, but mostly because of your honesty. I appreciate that you are so willing to share your heart with the world. I was up all night long with a sick baby last night. I thought about you the ENTIRE night as I was holding him and prayed and prayed and prayed. I can't stop thinking about your family. I'm sorry you feel alone, but hopefully soon you will all be home together again. Hugs to you and your sweet family.

Melissa said...

My 3 year old has kidney cancer. We went from a CT, to admittance to the oncology unit, to major abdominal surgery in about 18 hours. It was overwhelming, it is overwhelming, theses sudden inversions of our happy normal lives.

After surgery he was in the PICU, you aren't allowed to sleep in ours either. Luckily we still had his room on the oncology unit, and that's what we would do, ride up the elevator a floor and over a wing to the room where he had been whole last, and sleep in his bed. And try not to feel horrible for having not known his kidney ruptured from a tumor, for abandoning his older sister while we both stayed there because we couldn't go home without him.

It is gut-wrenching to walk away from your little one in the PICU, even if it is just down the hall or 2 minutes away. We've had a few surgeries and lots of hospital time since then, I still never want to leave him. I know that need to be there, and under your circumstances, I would be doing exactly the same thing, never leaving him again.

I know that feeling, that stop telling me I am doing so well because I am a millisecond from losing it. You don't have a choice, you have to handle it, you have to be the mom, you have to take care of things. But every now and then you find yourself curled up on a hospital floor not able to stand up. And then it's ok not to handle it, it's ok to lean on someone, even a stranger. It's ok to be a trainwreck.

FRANK AND HEATHER MAILE said...

I keep checking back to see updates. We are all pulling for you. Your inspiring family are in my constant thoughts and prayers.

Melanie said...

Praying for you right now.

Shannon said...

sara, you are never alone! Even when you feel helpless and exhausted, We and this incredible army are here praying and praying for your darling family! Hang in there honey, it TRULY is a rollercoaster. Somedays good and some days bad...But i see a Huge miracle happening here and it makes me smile...

Love you!

Finlinson Fam said...

You are so right Sara. You are not alone. We pray for you every prayer. Even Anna reminds her sisters if they forget. We love you. We love Bronson. I'm so so so sorry you are going through this.
Much love,
Carrie

Molly said...

Most of us are distraught over this without being Bronson's mother. You have every right to be sad and scared. It's healthy to grieve. I don't think there is any way to escape the experiences you are going through, but that doesn't make you weak in the least. I think you are doing admirably well! And, you are right... you aren't alone!

Mom said...

Sara I am so sorry you feel like a train wreck because that picture of one certainly describes how you really must feel. I check your blog at least 4 or 5 times a day. Thank you for keeping us posted, we are all praying for Bronson and your family. Love you, Aunt Linda

Anonymous said...

I went to sleep praying and crying for Bronson. And for you. I awoke with your family in my thoughts and prayers again. You have continuing support from family, friends and strangers (like me) alike. All rooting for Bronson. All praying for his recovery. You, Sara, are an amazing woman with an incredible way with words. Thank you for sharing this part of you with the world. Thank you for your incredible example of faith. To me, you are far from a train wreck.

One more hug being sent your way. And many more prayers being said for Bronson.

Anonymous said...

I went to sleep praying and crying for Bronson. And for you. I awoke with your family in my thoughts and prayers again. You have continuing support from family, friends and strangers (like me) alike. All rooting for Bronson. All praying for his recovery. You, Sara, are an amazing woman with an incredible way with words. Thank you for sharing this part of you with the world. Thank you for your incredible example of faith. To me, you are far from a train wreck.

One more hug being sent your way. And many more prayers being said for Bronson.

Anonymous said...

First of all, thank you for keeping everyone posted on your sweet little Bronson. You are so much stronger than you think, and are NEVER alone. Not only do you have an army praying for you and your sweet family, but your Heavenly Father is always by your side, not just helping you through this, but carrying you. You will look back some day in complete awe at what you were able to do. Stay strong and give that sweet baby a kiss for the hundreds of people that don't even know him but have been deeply touched by him. It is fast sunday this week and I hope that this army will join me and many others I am sure, in a fast for your family. Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Praying for you now and always!

Prayers and love from Southern California

Frances said...

Praying for your sweet little boy and your family.

The Benches said...

You are so sweet. Love you Sara! Hang in there!

Anonymous said...

sara, i'm a sarah too. and a mom. and someone who spent a really long time in a children's hospital with my baby boy. i always felt like no one knew what i was feeling or going through. please know that i feel your pain and hatred towards "shift change". i really hated that too. i hated tiny parent rooms, hospital food or even the thought of eating, and the feeling of totally dispare at the thought of not being within arms length of your precious little one. i know what it's like to be so completely exhausted that you feel like everything is a dream... only its a horrible terror of a dream that you just pray and pray will end soon and that you'll wake up and everything will be fine. that all of this was just a big misunderstanding and your little baby is roaming around your house just like before! our stories aren't the same, but we have enough similarities that my heart at this very moment feels a little of your pain. it brings back some of mine from when we were there. God is so wonderful in that way. that he can use others' painful circumstances to lift someone else up during theirs. i pray that you will be lifted up. that today as your husband is away, and i know what that feeling is like too, you will be strong. bronson is such a blessed little boy that his beautiful, loving, mother is right there to give him sweet kisses on his head and gently hold those chubby knuckles. please know that there is a sarah in washington state who doesn't know you and will probably never meet you, but her heart loves you and your precious angel. i am praying for your family.

Peg Lewis said...

During prayer meeting this morning, we sang a familiar hymn. The elder conducting the meeting suggested we sing all 7 verses. As I led the music I felt that it had special meaning in light of the message you posted in the wee hours of the morning, and which I read when I woke up to start the new day. Here they are. I know you know them, but maybe you don't have access to them right now:

How firm a foundation, ye Saints of the Lord, Is laid for your faith in his excellent word; What more can he say than to you he hath said, Who unto the savior for refuge have fled?

In every condition, in sickness and health, In poverty's vale or abounding in wealth, At home or abroad, on the land or the sea, As thy days may demand, so thy succor shall be.

Fear not, I am with thee; oh, be not dismayed, For I am thy God and will still give thee aid. I'll strengthen thee, help thee, and cause thee to stand, Upheld by my righteous omnipotent hand.

When through the deep waters I call thee to go, The rivers of sorrow shall not thee o'erflow, For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless, And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

When through fiery trials thy pathway shall lie, My grace, all sufficient, shall be thy supply. The flame shall not hurt thee; I only design Thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

E'en down to old age, all my people shall prove My sov'reign, eternal, unchangeable love; And then, when gray hair shall their temples adorn, Like lambs shall they still in my bosom be borne.

The soul that on Jesus hath leaned for repose I will not, I cannot, desert to his foes; That soul though all hell should endeavor to shake, I'll never, no never, no never forsake!

AMEN!

Anonymous said...

You are never alone at the deepest loneliest moments. Daddy God is there to pick you up like the day the nurse did and tucked you in. Put your total trust in Him and you will see yourself gettin more and more human again. YAY for shaved legs and showers... These are the days moms get to feel connected the most with being a woman again :) I have a four year old and a six month old... Busy for sure... Showers seem so unimportant compared to moments with them. And just to let you know your story is always on my mind. My son (6 month old) is currently fighting bronchitous here at home. Breathing treatments in the middle of the night remind me to lift you and your boys (hubby included) up in prayer.Stay positive and remember THIS TOO SHALL PASS!!! And Bronson will be home SOON!!!

Marianna said...

This is no trainwreck! It's called emotional exhaustion and my dear dear friend, you are entitled! You are amazing, I've seen you in crisis mode and I KNOW you have amazing faith and strength! There are 1000's of people who've got your back, doing the only thing any of us can do; pray for this sweet baby. It's okay to take a shower and sleep, and leave the room for an hour because there is always someone there who has got your back! I love your guts girl! I am sending the biggest hug! I wish I could be there! XOXO-Mar

ps. I noticed you updated the boys pics-darling! Also those heart breaking photos of little B in his bed are incredible! You have such talent my friend, and you've always been an amazing writer. Look at all of these strangers you are touching in your hours of despair!! You ARE amazing!!!

Anonymous said...

Thank you for so openly sharing your thoughts with me, a stranger. Ever since I found your blog, I am glued to it, praying that your sweet little baby recovers and that your family finds strength to make it through the days to come. You are not alone! Even though I have not experienced what you are going through, I am a mother. I know the pain I feel when one of my babies so much as gets a scratch. So, from one mother to another, I love you and will continue to pray for you.
-Penelope

Kelly said...

Sara,

Oh, Sara...there are no words. I cannot imagine what you and Matt are going through. Little Bronson is a fighter, it seems, and I pray for the best of outcomes! I don't know you at all (found you through Natalie Norton's Pics and Kicks) but I have cried with you and rejoiced with you through your blog. Yesterday I was listening to KLOVE (Christian radio) and the song "Praise You in This Storm" by Casting Crowns came on. I drove all the way home sobbing. Sobbing tears of faith and hope and PRAISING HIM even in these storms in your and Natalie's lives. I pray for you daily and want you to know how much you mean to me, though we've never met. We are sisters in Christ, and that's as close as it gets! Love and hugs.

Kelly

Kerri said...

Love and prayers your way.

Emily said...

You don't sound like a train-wreck to me. You sound like a mother.

Enjoy those few steps forward, we're praying with you that they'll continue.

Chelle said...

Sara,

You're strong because you are facing this challenge with courage and faith. And because you're receiving strength from others and from the Lord. Of course you're going to have breakdowns. The emotional investment is going to take its toll. But after each meltdown, you get up again, put one foot in front of the other, and face the next unknown. Keep allowing yourself to lean on others when you need it.

I, for one, am grateful to be part of your prayer army. Thank you for sharing your journey...for so many reasons. It helps me know what to pray for. Today my prayer will be for extra comfort for you, and of course a prayer for Bronson. Always a prayer for Bronson.

Jen said...

Sara
There is no harder job than being a mother. We all have made mistakes. Today I'm not just praying for Bronson, I'm praying for you too, to help you be comforted through these rough times. Thank you for sharing with us and reminding us to hold our babies closer.

Meredith said...

sara..Im another one that you dont know . But I have been checking back often and thinking of you always. You are in my prayers regularly. My heart breaks for you.
I havent read what anyone else has said...
But I just wanted to tell you that I DONT and Im sure NO ONE thinks of you as a bad mom. We all get distracted for a min...things happen. Im sure all Heavenly Father wants right now is for you to let go of that guilt. I know, so much easier said than done. But you are still a great mom and love your boys so much, i can tell that by just reading what you write.
Bronson sounds like a very strong little boy. I have a great feeling he will be just fine.
Hang in there, get sleep. you whole out look on things will be so much better with sleep. Think of how hard life is with a newborn..its because we are TIRED. Im sure right now, more than ever, your body needs the rest.
Again, hang in there, and I will continue to pray for all of you.

meredith (mesa az)

My Life as a Domestic Goddess said...

Sara-you are so very STRONG! I have been a wreck from all this. I can't even begin to know how you are feeling. I think of you & Bronson all day. I watch your blog all day. I cry for you constantly. I pray for & your family. That all of you will recover from this tragedy. You have impacted so many with your strong spirit & faith in the Lord. I admire you so much. Sending you much love from- The Taysoms

The Queen Vee said...

Hoping, requesting, beseeching through prayer....but
humbly recognizing that his will be done.

Another day for cells to heal, for strength to be gained.

You remain in my thoughts and prayers.....you are not alone and you know it. That in itself is a great blessing.

Annie Link said...

Oh Sweet Sara-
Believe me, as someone who has sat through far too many of these L O N G hospital ordeals, you need to give yourself time to refill that drained cup now and then. I'm so glad you did. Bronson's in very good hands and very, very good Hands.
Now, about those regrets. I have lost a son, and two years later, I still catch myself thinking of all the ways I "should" have been a better mother. . . We try our hardest to do our best, and still, we make mistakes. It's called being human. I pray you'll be able to let this one fade away into the dust of eternity. I pray your heart will quickly heal from the horrible trauma of this
one.
single.
easily made.
very human.
mistake.
Heavenly Father knows what a good heart you have, what a wonderful mommy you are, how hard you try, and how many, many, many times you have done exactly the right thing.

You, Bronson, Matt and your boys will all stay in my prayers until this long night is over. Things really are looking up. I just know you're going to have a very happy ending. I just know it.

Love and big, warm momma hugs to you.

LoriH said...

Sara,
Just wanted to let you know that our family loves you and prays often for your family. I am sure angels are holding your hand and kissing your babies sweet face. I pray your heart be comforted every minute of the day. We pray for a miracle.
A big huge hug for you and your family!

Sandy said...

If only you could see yourself through the eyes of all of us. Then you would know with all your heart that what we see is not hogwash. I can feel your strength and faith and that is indeed a blessing to me. I cry with you, and I hope and pray with you. I don't think I could ever be as strong as you are at this moment, but reading your story has made me hug my boys tighter and for that I am grateful to you. Just know, we are all praying with you, and constantly thinking of you. Cyber hugs won't make it all better, but hopefully in a small way, they will comfort you.

Callie said...

Hi, my name is Callie and a friend introduced me to your story on facebook. I am overwhelmed by the strength you show to get up and keep going. You say hogwash to us all, but what we see is a mother so dedicated to her family and to herself because with every post you make, you are allowing your heart to heal a little bit more which in turn strengthens you and unites your family making you r family that much stronger. We all have our different trials that God has put on our path. The questions is will you allow yourself to cry, laugh, scream leading to growth and isn't that why we are here? I hope you don't take what i am saying as offensive, I do not judge you! It could have happened to me just as easily. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers. Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

You don't know me, I'm in London, it's Friday night and I just read Dr Bradley's email, and clicked on to read your incredibly moving blog - all of it! You write beautifully, with heartfelt honesty and clarity and it has really touched me and inspired me in many ways. I know there was a reason for me reading this, so thank you for that.

I am comforted that as well as prayer you also have the wonderful work of Dr Bradley to help you all through whatever lies ahead when the time comes to focus on yourselves and your healing.

When you have some space for yourself, forgive yourself and release. That is a wonderful gift you can give to Bronson.

I have a feeling that in the years to come I will pick up a magazine and read an article about a man called Bronson Staker and the amazing work he is doing and the people whose lives he is changing. And then I realise who he is. And in reading the article it becomes apparent that the reason he is doing this amazing work and has found his path and purpose is this event that you are so beautifully describing in your blog. And it is yet another reminder of the perfection and the blessings that are all around us even if they are often obscured.

You are all in my prayers. I see you all home together, happy and much richer as a result of this.

love and blessings

Nadiya

em said...

Sara,

As everyone has stated, you are NOT alone! Every single mother who reads this can identify with you and what you must be going through. Every one of us has been in this situation, has left a child unattended for a moment, and unfortunately, some have had to endure the pain that comes when an accident happen. Other's luck out. You must not blame yourself, and you must not think anyone is passing judgment against you. I wish I could give you a big hug right and wish I could do something more for you other than pray for and plead for Bronson's recovery. You have touched my heart so deeply, and I just ache for what you and your husband are going through. My husband and I have knelt in humble prayer, and prayed for you, for Bronson, and for your family. I pray that through the mercy of God, you are able to feel the prayers from all those who are praying for Bronson, and hope that it can help carry you through the long days and nights.
Emily (Cales) Leger

Ams said...

You don't need to be strong Sara... you definitely don't. Feel the emotions, sad, happy, despair,... those are all there for you to feel.
And you definitely don't have to put a strong face on for us... we are here to support you. We all come to this blog because we want to be there for YOU. So you take your time, and you let it out when you need to let it out!
Prayers continuing your way...

Alinta said...

Sara, my thoughts and love and prayers are with you, your gorgeous boy Bronson and your family.

What you are going through right now, is unimaginable. Mother guilt is the worst thing I think I have felt in the world, please try to be kind to yourself, these things unfortunatly do happen, we are all guilty of it, I am guilty of doing it on the odd occasion, never again though, like you said, the washing can wait.

I am so hoping to read an update in the very new future from you, that Bronson is awake and well, and then your beautiful family can get back to being just that, a family.

You are not alone, us on different timezones are with you at all different times of the day, in thought. Although I wish even as a stranger, I could place my arms around you right now to ease some of your burden.

You are strong, and an incredible mother to your beautiful boys. Dont forget that, ever.

Anonymous said...

xoxox

Anonymous said...

Hello, just leaving a little note to let you know I am prayer for you, Bronson, and your family. I dropped a note at my church and added your family to our prayer circle.

You are most certainly never alone. When you feel alone, pray to God and He will provide :)

Prayers in Oregon

Anonymous said...

Hi, My Aunt suggested that I should become a fan of prayers for Bronson. At first I didn’t know what it was but then I found the link to your blog. I just want you to know that I am praying for Bronson and the rest of your family. And remember that if you have faith mountains can be moved.

Sabra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dawn said...

Oh, Sara. How my heart aches for you. You have so many people praying for Bronson, you and the rest of your family. Be strong. Have faith. All will be well. Let those around you HELP YOU. I will continue to pray for to fully recover. I will pray for you to feel the peace and love of our Father in Heaven.

Sabra said...

My dear sweet Sara,
I feel that all of the emotions you are going through are OK and normal. This is one of life situations that will require the love of our Heavenly Father and atonement of our Savior to heal completely. I appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share. I am not going to pretend that I know how you feel. I don't, but my heart aches and I have cried many tears to the point of sobbing for your situation, but there is one who knows and understands EXACTLY how you feel. Our prayers continue for Bronson your family and those that work with him. Through this post you have helped me know how I will be more specific with my prayers for you. We love you! Sabra

Andrea said...

Sara and Matt (and family),
Cristy Nielsen shared a prayer request for your baby boy. I have you all (and him) in my deepest prayers. Our experience is painful as well and I can relate to everything you've posted.
I can't stop crying after what I've read ....
"I feel almost like a person again.
Although, not the same one.
Never the same one."
And your comment - ... "See, More
People keep saying I am doing so well. I am so strong. I am amazing.
Hog wash to all of you."
........ I looked up into his eyes and the floodgate broke.
"Don't make me leave him! Please don't make me leave him!
That's why we're in this mess in the first place! I just can't ever leave him!" I sobbed.
READING THIS BLOG ... I feel the pain in her every word. Your comment about being called strong sent me into a whirlwing of tears. My heart and prayers are with the whole family in every way.
I cried tears of joy with the end of your post -
"And then I remember that I am not alone at all.
There are hundreds of you awake with me, praying.
An army petitioning our loving Father.
Enough to get my little train back on the track and chugging up the hill...
For now.
Many thanks~
A hug to each of you."

http://story-time-ministries.tripod.com

LOVE and PRAYERS
~Andrea~
"Her Story was far too short . . . but is forever written in our hearts."
No matter how hard I try, No matter how many years go by,
No matter how many tears I cry, I still can't say goodbye.

Jen said...

I don't know you, but my husband found this blog via facebook and shared it with me. I am so moved by your story and your amazing writing and I am so glad your son is making progress. I am so thankful for priesthood blessings and I will pray for your family and that you can feel the peace of our Savior. I hope you can someday forgive yourself for your mistake. I'm a mom of 3 and have made lots of mistakes myself and am grateful my imperfections haven't hurt my kids yet. I will use this as a warning for myself, as I'm sure many will. Again, we will pray for Bronson and your family.

Alice Wills Gold said...

I came over from Kathy Johnson. I am so so sorry. This could have happened to me a million times over. Don't know why it had to be you and your little angel.

I will tell you this. I needed a reason beyond my own trials to pour out my heart to a loving Father in Heaven.

I just did and it felt so good.

Being strong is knowing we are weak without God's help.

so so touched by the blog.

Thank you for letting us pray for you all.

Joe said...

I saw your blog from a friend and it really shook me up. I'm praying for you, your family, and little Bronson that he make it through this with little harm! I'm hoping that miracles will come your way...Keep the faith, keep the hope! Stay strong Bronson! Rest assured though, God will take care of you!

Julia K. said...

I found your blog through Natalie... You and she both have such incredible, awe-inspiring strength and faith. It just knocks the wind out of me. Know that, and stay rooted in that thought.

Your faith must have its own gravitational pull! It is seriously pulling prayer and other faithful thoughts of good, strong well wishes to Bronson's side. His mama loves him, and so do the hundreds of people who have their thoughts being drawn to him. Know that these people love you too...

Praying strong, healing thoughts for you and Bronson...

-Julia

Marly said...

I found your blog from my friend Katie and I am so very sorry you're going through this. As moms we want to do the best for our kids and then we go and do things that aren't good for them. I am praying for you and your sweet little boy. You remind me why we need to stay diligent and also that we make mistakes. I am truly sorry for all that has happened and I hope you know there are so many prayers for your little boy.

stacy said...

oh sweet momma, it is absolutely painful to read your words. i am so sorry for your sweet spirit and how it aches. i'm sorry that you have to suffer this aweful pain. you are loved by thousands but most importantly you are loved by a kind and heavenly father who knows you...every part of you. we are praying for your family but as a mother who always gets distracted, i am praying that you can forgive yourself.

Jill said...

I am good friends with your old roomie Ali, she forwarded your blog to me and I passed it onto others so they could too pray for your family. Your family is in our prayers. Our temple is closed right now, but I put your names on some other temple rolls.
You are never alone.
With love,
Jill In Washington

kazzamac said...

Hi Sara,
Got your blog from your Dads site. What an incredible family you are.
I read your full blog this morning and like everybody else have been incredibly moved.
Not only have I prayed but I have spent time visualising Bronson fit and healthy playing on the lawn infront of your house with his brothers as your husband and you watch them contentedly. They are very lucky boys to have you guys as parents and Dr Bradley as Grandpa who will be able to clear the trauma from you all.
I will keep praying and telling all my friends and family to as well.
Loving and healing energy coming to you from Scotland.

Heaven's Eye Phtotography said...

I would say anything but "pathetic". Keep taking one moment at a time and find strength in all the amazingness surrounding your family. There is so much love on this blog. So much hope. So much of what the world needs. We thank you for sharing your story in it's entirety. Your vulnerable is admirable and your strength is inspiring. There is a HUGE blanket of prayers around your beautiful family! We love you! We see you! Your story matters! Thank you!

Twin-Spiration said...

God Bless you Sara! I do not know you or your family but can't imagine what you are going through. Just remember your precious boy is still here for a reason...it wasn't his time. Keep the faith, God is good and he is never late! I am praying for you and will continue to do so.
God bless you!
www.twin-spiration.com

Stacy said...

You don't know me from Adam, and that's ok. I am praying for you and Bronson, and your family.

I spent 5 long days and nights in the PICU at Primary's with my son, recovering from rare complications from a rare surgery. So many of the things you are writing are so real to me.

And God bless Ian. He was our nurse for 2 days, and he's fantastic. Hearing that story brought tears to my eyes.

stayputsocks said...

We are all praying!!!!!!!

Andrea said...

Praying from Minnesota. May the Lord bless and keep your baby boy.

Mark and Caroline said...

you don't know me but I feel like I know you in a very small way. A friend of mine was pregnant with her first child and just this past week lost it. I don't know about the pain that you are having or the pain she is having, all my trials seem like nothing. But I just felt with my friend and I feel it again with you, the power of the attonement. I know how beautiful this power is for sin, not jsut for that person but for the family. The scriptures talk about the attonement and the way they tell it lets us know that it is not just for sin but for pains. I truly feel like you need to let the attonement help you, not because you did anything wrong but because you are feeling so much pain and you weren't ment to feel that pain alone. Christ suffered so that we wouldn't have to. He will carry you through this hard time in your life and you will quickly feel the peace that he wants so badly to give to you. Forgive yourself and let him. I pray for you and your family for the beautiful peace that awaits you. I'm stepping down from my soap box. I don't know you but I love you and your family.