Friday, February 5, 2010

So I gave my self permission to be human.
.

.

Took a shower...
Shaved my legs...
Matt kindly told me at lunch three days ago that I still had vomit in my eyelashes.
(Leftover from the sputtering during CPR.)
I finally washed the last of it out.
I feel almost like a person again.
Although, not the same one.
Never the same one.

43 comments:

Happiness is Here! said...

Your in my prayers and I can't imagine how you feel but know that we are here for you and lifting you up daily!

The Hartung Family in WA

Marianna said...

Yea!!! That's HUGE, you too are making great progress! Love you!

jaredean said...

a good, warm shower can do wonders! keep strong - know that we are all here ready incase you need anything...i spoke with Cheryl Johnson last night and i'll be getting your phone/texts saved for you as soon as i get my hands on it...Don't forget to get it to Alli so she can get it to me...

We love you!
jared, lissette and the kids

Mcbride Family said...

Love the new slide show on the side bar. What cuties....I tried to post a comment this morning on your "alone tonight" post. My heart goes out to you. I was giving plasma and sitting there reading your blog on my phone and sitting there in the waiting area just wiping tears as they fell. Feeling like I wished I could hurry up there and give you a hug. Realizing that people are probably looking at me wondering what I am crying about. I couldn't post because my phone wouln't let me. But hang in there girl. You will get through this. I know you are probably just hanging by a thread. But you will get through this.

Let'sMakeADifference said...

Thanks for the update! We're praying!

Mcbride Family said...

I will keep praying for you too. I seriously think about you non-stop. I've been praying and praying.

Dan & Sarah Golbeck said...

My thoughts and prayers are with your little boy and your family. I will be thinking of you daily and praying for the best.

The Gang said...

Good for you! Even in the very hardest of moments you need to take care of yourself. It's life. Our test. Keep strong, you're doing great. Congrats on your beautiful family. They are such beautiful boys. I am confident Heavenly Father knows what he's doing! Prayers.

Anonymous said...

You're right-you won't be the same. I went through a tragedy last year with one of my kids, not the same as you, but a tragedy. I'm not the same. I'll never be the same, I'm sure of it. But, I'm a better person than I was before. If you let it, this trial will bring you closer to your Heavenly Father, closer to your spouse, and leave you with a new appreciation for life and your children. I can't say that what I went through was a good thing, but I'm grateful for what I now have because of it. I feel like the gift of loving my kids and appreciating them SO much made it all worth it. Things turned out for us, as I hope and pray they do for you. I wish you all the best.

Melissa said...

Best part about hospital showers? Never-ending hot water supply! No wondering if the kids used the last of it, never-ending hot water.

It's a huge thing, it really will help, try to get it in at least every other day.

Anonymous said...

You are so prayed for and thought of right now. I hope with my heart that you can feel that holding you up at this terribly difficult time. Although I do not know what you are going through I do know that in my toughest trials the Lord somehow got me through it. Oh how I pray for your comfort and some sort of peace for your heart right now. Alma 7:12.

Jill said...

Sara, my words seem simple in comparison to your articulate tongue, but I love you. I'm proud of you. I cry constantly for you. I pray passionately for you. It's a new day...

Xo

Anonymous said...

Twin enemies of Faith- DOUBT & FEAR, "So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded."-Hebrews 10:35. Faith is able to cast your burdens onto God and not feel anxious about the outcome.

{jane} said...

you left out the lovely details of the hospital shower... ;)

hopefully that is because it was a cleaner shower this time!

also hoping, keeping all fingers crossed, praying, begging for more miracles that one of these days, you'll be showering at home with both your little boys again.

love you.

Mom said...

It is noon and I am checking again your blog. A shower, how great that must feel. I promise you this, whenever it is the darkest, the light comes. It has happened to me time and time again. Just go on that, you can do this because we are all here for you. Love, Aunt Linda

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't help but wonder if there is a trusted friend or family member who can update your friends and family and all those praying for Bronson, instead of you wasting precious time and energy trying to do it through a blog. You sound exhausted. Anyone would be exhausted. Focus everything you have got on your little boys. They need their mom.

Birchall Family said...

You don't know me, but I just want you to know that your whole family is in our prayers!! I had a baby boy at 25 weeks, he was 1lb 3oz. We LIVED at primarys. They are amazing. You are in such good hands. My little one came on and off the ventilator 3 times before he could handle it. I know it is so hard, but he will do it. Just hang in there!
You have so many prayers coming your way!
Nothing is better than a shower, glad you feel human again.

Anonymous said...

Hi you don't know me, but I have been reading your blog. And I am extremly sorry for what you and your family are going through. I don't really know what to say. But I just felt like I should write and say that me and my family are praying for you and your family. But in this time of need and pain im sure that when you look back you will only see one set of footprints in the sand. Our dear Heavenly Father is with you and your family during this time. He loves you and your little boy so much, which im sure that you know. But my heart and prayers our with you.

Lynette said...

You don't know me, and I don't know you. But I pray for you. Several times a day. I had a tragic thing happen about 6 months ago. Different. But still the worst experience of my life. I have three little boys CLOSE together and love seein yours. I read your posts and bawl. I pray for little B and I know that he is Heavenly Fathers hands-the best hands he can be in. I prayer and plead for you. Reading your posts bring back so many feelings of how I let my babies down. I was the one responsible. I couldn't bear that anyone could ever doubt how much I love my babies and that I wouldn't do anything in the world for them. There were so many dark hours and I wondered if I could let myself forgive MYSELF. I am a different person. Different for the better. I relied on my Father in Heaven and the goodness of people around me.
Hang in there. You are an amazing mother and your boys are LUCKY to have you!

Monica Brady said...

I just found out about your blog from someone who tweeted out asking for prayers for your sweet boy. I have spent the last almost hour reading all of your posts, and have been in tears for you. I can't imagine what you are going through, but please know that you have my prayers, and will be in my thoughts. He seems like such a strong little boy. You have an amazing support system, don't ever feel bad for using them no matter what!
I wish I could offer you more, but for now, my prayers will have to do ... sending virtual hugs to you and your family...

Brit O'Connor said...

Prayers coming to you and your family from Idaho...and probably across the whole world by now.

Brian & Heidi Haas said...

My sweet forever friend Mindy let me know of this situation and asked for our prayers...we have been praying non stop daily for you, little B and your family. We are praying and trusting in this miracle....because I believe in miracles, AND you are very deserving of this one, along with the others that are coming your way. Lots of love, hope and prayers!!! XOXO!

Mike, Sha, Kenna, & Kate said...

You don't know me, a friend told me of your story. I am praying for you and little Bronson. What amazing miracles have already taken place.

Ams said...

Praying hard for you guys... you deserve to be human... *Hugs* to you!

nennermommy said...

((tears)) I just read your story.. I am so sorry :( I can't think of words to say but WOW! YOu poor thing!

Heather said...

I just found your blog through another that I read, and I wanted you to know that you will be in our prayers. May Heavenly Father bless your precious little boy. I have 2 of my own (2, & 7 months) and my heart is aching for you. I wish your family the very best!

Courtney said...

Sara,

You and your precious family are a constant on my mind and prayers. Courtney and Danie's, too. We love you!!!

Love, Cindy (using Courtney's e-mail)

momto4boys said...

You don't know me at all but I have just finished reading your entire blog and I just wanted you to know that my thoughts & prayers are with you and your family. I have 4 boys of my own and fear for them everyday ( I consider my self VERY over protective) but I know even then something bad can happen but I will also know that in my heart I too am only human and things happen even to the best of us.

I truly wanted you to know that even though I am half way across the country (Illinois) that I am thinking of you. I am excited about the progress and cannot wait to check in again to see how he is doing.

Hugs from IL...Christine

Brown Family said...

I see that several people you don't know, are offering their words of encouragement and support. I too am one of them. I heard of your story from a friend. I've been reading your blog all morning and crying with you.

Heavenly Father loves YOU, HIS faithful and valient daughter. HIS loving arms are wrapped around you at this time, and I pray that you can feel them. Angels are about you and your dear family. Some of them are our loved ones here on this earth, others we can't see. YOU ARE LOVED by many and MANY people are praying for you, your husband and your little ones.

You are right too, you will never be the same woman. YOU WILL BE STRONGER. AND, YOU WILL BE THE WONDERFUL HAPPY YOU AGAIN IN TIME, with GOD, as you know... ALL things are possible.

May God send you and your family the peace, comfort and love that you seek at this time.

HUGS, from a fellow LDS sister in Gilbert, AZ... Nicole

misha~sha-sha said...

I'll add my words of encouragement...

I'm another "stranger reader" who is praying for you and Bronson. There are so many of us who are thinking of you and I know that all of our prayers, when united, are so much stronger than we will ever know.

Your candid blog has touched my heart and I thank you. Beautiful and honest!

Laura said...

Oh Sara!!! I just got an email from a friend that still lived in Utah that knew you took pics of Kennedy before she passed away that linked me to your blog. Oh, Sara, words cannot express my thoughts for you right now. I can't even comprehend your anguish but Sara, I am praying for you, I am praying for your sweet little one and praying for you family. I have been trying to get through your blogs all morning, tears streaming down my face and cannot believe how brave you are to go through THIS, to write about it and allow other so know and feel what you feel. Sara, forgive, know that angels are there right by his side...I KNOW this I don't just believe it, I KNOW they are their helping, constantly helping put all the tiny pieces back exactly where they are supposed to be. Primary's is I know not a fun place now, and will always be a hard place believe me, BUT it is also a wonderful place of miracles, of healing, of love. He will be taken care of. wish I was close to help as you helped me with your pictures of Kennedy...which STILL dominate our walls. Keep taking pics, and KEEP writing...that is one of my biggest regrets. I didn't write down things when and like I should have because I thought it was too hard to think about it, but now the little I wrote, I cherrish. xoxox for you and yours. I will put his name in our temple right now and will continue to pray for his recovery.

love, Laura Linton (mother of Kennedy, Harrison and Mckinley)

Amy said...

I found your blog through Natalie's site. I do not comment on blogs often but wanted to let you know that I have prayed for your sweet boy many times each day. Your story and your honest, loving words about your sons have prompted me to hold my kids a bit tighter each day, especially my baby boy. I will continue to pray for Bronson to make a complete recovery.

Brenda said...

Sara, your writing is amazing! Thank you for sharing so much with us. We're all still praying.

Britney said...

ahh...the power of a hot shower and silky smooth legs.

thinking and praying constantly for you and bronson today. hoping for many more miracles. loves.

Rhonda said...

i just heard of your story from my co-worker - i am sending up prayers for strength for you and your family BUT most of all prayers for miraculous healing for your sweet little man!
Rhonda

Anonymous said...

I found your blog through someone asking for thoughts and prayers for you family. I just could not leave without adding a comment to tell you that your story really touched me. I will keep your family in my thoughts and prayers. I do believe he will be ok!! Just trust in your faith and know that there are so many others who are praying for him every second!!

Sonora said...

I just found your story from pinkmoss.blogspot.com. My prayers are with you and your family. What a blessing that you have the priesthood to help your son.
I want to thank you for sharing this story. I bet there is not one of us out there that have not walked away from the bathtub for a moment at some point in our lives. Please allow yourself to be human. I know forgiveness of self is the hardest thing to do. I am still working on it for things in my own life. But the fact is that it is so obvious that you love your children and would never purposefully place them in harms way. My prayers are with you as much as with him as you both need healing.
I want to run up to the hospital and do something to help. I would drop everything to come and sit with you if you needed it. Please know you are not alone!

Anonymous said...

Hey you don't know me but my cousin sent your story to me on facebook and I just want you to know that you are still an amazing mother! I am a mother of two little boys and there have been many times that I think something could have happened if I wasn't more careful. My oldest is 3 and when he was born he wasn't breathing for 20 mins. He was in the NICU for awhile and the doctors told us that it would be a miracle for him to survive with him not breathing for so long. But miracles do happen and he's here today acting like any normal three year old. So don't give up, kids are so amazing at how they recover.
I hope you can feel everyone's prayers for you I know I did when my baby was in the NICU. We will be praying for you and your family!

The Daniel Family said...

Sara,I just wanted to let you know that you have been in my thoughts a lot today. Hang in there!! I just wanted to let you know that you are in my prayers. I wish that I lived closer so I could be there to help you.

Brittanie said...

I just found your blog. Reading through it has brought me to tears. When I was 16 the same thing happened to a little boy I babysat, only he didn't make it. Bronson is already doing SO MUCH better than sweet little Kade did. SO many miracles as I read through your last several posts. I will add my prayers to his continued recovery.

I want to add my favorite scripture, a scripture that has gotten me through the stillbirth of a daughter, the scripture I use to answer those who tell me that I'm strong. Alma 26:12 "Yea, I know that I am nothing; as to my strength I am weak; therefore I will boast of my God, for in his strength I can do all things"

I like to switch out "do" to "endure."

You will never be the same, or what would be the point? We learn and we grow, and you will be and are a much better mother, and have inspired many. The Savior will be with you in those quiet moments when you are alone with your guilt and He will help you stand up and take the next step.

((((hugs))))

Natalie said...

I just read your story from a Facebook link from a non-LDS friend of mine from high school. Your stories touching hundreds. I cried as I picture my little girl (born Oct. 9th, 2008) in the position your little boy is in. And I felt so badly for your 2-year-old as I envisioned my little boy, the same age, trying to help her out of the bathtub. It's heart-wrenching.

I pray for a healthy recovering for your son!

Life with the Chandlers said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MIKE said...

You are in my prayers. I can only imagine what you are going through. Several times I get distracted and do not give my 2 and 7 year old the attention they need. I am so sorry your family is going through this. My heart aches for you.

Steph